someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
