tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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