It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
