I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
