she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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