This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
