literally had 100 drinks last night.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
