I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
