Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
