i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I did not marry a roomba.
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