Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
