Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
