I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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