i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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