Got a toothbrush?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
