hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
