I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
