i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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