I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
