The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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