btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
