I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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