I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
