so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
