I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
