I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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