Fine. I'll sleep in my office
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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