I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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