You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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