my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
