Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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