Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
