I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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