now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
