from now on my penis is your penis
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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