got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
