she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
