I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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