its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
