I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
