I am puke
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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