i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
