so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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