Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
