How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
