i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
