I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
