So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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