I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
