Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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