Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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